In the spirit of “action-adventure rom-coms” that have lately come back into favor, Shotgun Wedding continues the tradition of this niche with the “twist” of a destination wedding serving as the catalyst for the so-called adventure. As it turns out, the groom, Tom (Josh Duhamel), is the one truly responsible for bringing everyone to the Philippines (Mahal Island Resort, to be specific) to celebrate this glorious day, including his bride, Darcy (Jennifer Lopez, who, let’s be honest, really doesn’t look like a Darcy). Slightly less enthusiastic about this large gathering and the associated fanfare, she does her best to navigate through the rehearsal dinner’s murky waters, filled with her divorced parents’ contentious relationship and the well-meaning overbearingness of Tom’s mother, Carol (Jennifer Coolidge, mildly less annoying than usual in this role).
For the first several minutes of this rehearsal dinner, Darcy is forced to face the jackals (mainly her own mother, Renata [Sônia Braga]) alone, for Tom is off trying to add to the overall “perfectness” of the wedding by decorating a small boat he’s secreted away by the dock for himself and Darcy after the ceremony. It is within these first three minutes that the viewer is drilled with the notion that pirates are potentially lurking at every corner, and that all security personnel must “beware.” This is how Tom ends up being attacked by the security guard on duty that night as he explains about the boat (after falling into the water), “I wanna be romantic, but not too corny.” The guard replies, “There’s a really fine line between the two.” Shotgun Wedding does its best to toe it, and, for the most part, actually succeeds. Even with the lingering taint of knowing that Armie Hammer was slated to play the part of Tom—after Ryan Reynolds, who still co-produced the project, dropped out. And, talking of men who have co-starred with Sandra Bullock, it is the latter actress who has truly been the impetus for bringing back the action-adventure rom-com via The Lost City in early 2022—and yes, that movie slaps far harder than Shotgun Wedding could ever hope to, but “for a J. Lo movie” (to use a backhanded compliment), it’s leaps and bounds above fare like Second Act and Marry Me. Which, sure, might not be saying much—but it does mean something when referring to the usual stink bombs of Lopez’s ever-burgeoning filmography.
Even Coolidge, meant to be some sort of “foolproof” assurance of spun comedy gold now that she’s had her “comeback,” does little to contribute to the expected “laughs” written into Mark Hammer’s (whose previous writing credit is Two Night Stand and who has no known relation to Armie) script. But the clearly intended “laugh-out-loud” moments are more cringe than comedy—namely, when the wedding guests all join in an a capella rendition of Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be” (the song that just won’t die) or, you know, a certain wedding guest is obliterated, guts and all, into the rotor blade of a helicopter. Ha ha…ha.
Thus, in truth, this action-adventure rom-com has more of the former category than the latter, even if J. Lo stripping down to her skivvies and engaging in some foreplay involving reaching for a high shelf is meant to add to some of the “romance” genre. Followed by Coolidge as Carol interrupting the scene with her “comedic timing” as she asks Darcy if her body is the result of genetics or pilates. Anyone could tell her it’s: being a celebrity who uses their time and money correctly. Apparently, being a lawyer can help with fitness, too. This being among the few “background details” we get about Darcy, in addition to Tom being a former baseball player for the junior leagues before being dropped by the team.
Indeed, for so few known details about the characters’ lives beyond this wedding, it’s a wonder the viewer can get that invested at all. The lack of connection to the characters is spurred by a general blasé tone toward carnage. And sure, within the universe of this story, that might technically pass, but because of the overall “canned” nature of the characters, it adds to a certain cartoonishness, e.g. when murder (as Tom calls it) is written off quickly as “self-defense.” Which isn’t a false assessment, and yet, for such “fragile” and “moral” people, it seems only too easy for both Tom and Darcy to move on from the horror of killing not just four pirates, but also Darcy’s ex, Sean (Lenny Kravitz, an inexplicable casting choice that one supposes was meant to be “comedic”—along with Cheech Martin as Lopez’s movie daddy).
While Kravitz’s appearance might “dazzle” some, the real breakout star of the movie, to be sure, is J. Lo’s ever-evolving wedding dress, which is constantly being altered to suit the dynamic needs of a day spent both on the run from and battling pirates. Like Loretta Sage’s (Bullock) fuchsia sequined getup (a “onesie,” as Loretta calls it) in The Lost City, the dress becomes one of the most (read: the only) iconic things about the movie. Not, to Lopez’s dismay, her attempt at “tapping into my inner Lucille Ball-type comedy,” as she phrased it on The Today Show. But even “Lucille Ball comedy,” for as zany and wacky as it was, still had some more grounding in reality than Shotgun Wedding cares to. Complete with an ending that opts to ignore any sense of PTSD the guests might (and should) be suffering from, including the bride herself, betrayed so egregiously by someone she once let inside of her on the regular.
But “realism” and “making sense” have never been the marks of a J. Lo rom-com—so adding the genre of action-adventure into the mix makes such theoretical hallmarks of storytelling even less feasible. This being emphasized by The Bangles’ “Walk Like An Egyptian” chosen as the karaoke song everyone sings along to as the credits roll. For fuck’s sake, at least choose something more relevant, like Sex Pistols’ “Friggin’ in the Riggin,” Gorillaz’s “Glitter Freeze” or Caroline Polachek’s “Welcome to My Island.” Hell, even Nina Simone’s “Pirate Jenny.” Alas, these songs are too “appropriate” for a movie that becomes increasingly over the top in an eye rolling (as opposed to comedic) way as it wears on. For, if one is going to be over the top, the payoff should be the laugh-a-minute result of The Lost City.
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