It’s been far too long since VH1 has presented us with a really gay Christmas movie. And the fact that the last time they went all out with one was in 2000 meant that it needed to be more “undercover gay” than what The Bitch Who Stole Christmas is–that is to say, a nonstop extravaganza of unabashed gayness as only drag queens can deliver. In contrast, A Diva’s Christmas Carol had to rely upon the camp of Vanessa Williams alone in the titular diva role. Granted, the presence of Chilli from TLC as the ghost of “Marli Jacob”–her best friend and one-third of the 80s girl group they were in–adds a certain level of unexpected kitsch as well because of how esoteric a casting choice it is.
As a ballad-centric R&B star channeling elements of Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey, Ebony Scrooge (yes, the name alone packs a campy punch) is accustomed to always getting her way and mincing no words about it. Overworking her staff because she’s both greedy and has no life of her own outside of Being A Star, Ebony offers nothing in return to her employees (for the purposes of the narrative, mostly tour musicians) for all that they do to accommodate her grueling schedule demands. Not so much as a word of kindness and certainly not splurging to put them up in a decent hotel. Her manager and overall right-hand man, Bob Cratchett (Brian McNamara), is the only person in her life who ever tries to make excuses for her atrocious behavior. Much the same way Olivia St. Lapel (Krysta Rodriguez, looking like a dead ringer for Aubrey Plaza) does for her editor-in-chief (or “editrix,” if you must), Hannah Contour, who runs a New York-based fashion rag called Gorge Magazine. Because obviously even as a character, RuPaul would not be in charge of a publication that didn’t have a suggestive name.
Vanessa Williams isn’t entirely without “RuPaul qualities” in A Diva’s Christmas Carol. In fact, it seems RuPaul might have studied under this “coont’s” ways in the movie before slipping into the role of Contour. In the same way A Diva’s Christmas Carol is a pop culture-ified sendup of A Christmas Carol, The Bitch Who Stole Christmas is a sendup of the ultra-unrealistic and cheesy Hallmark movies that get released in droves at this time of year. Not to say that people don’t absolutely adore this cheesiness and lack of realism. The Bitch Who Stole Christmas takes camp to a different level than A Diva’s Christmas Carol by being more self-aware about it, whereas, in its time and place, VH1 was able to easily pass off the 2000 movie as “on-brand” for their then-recent late 90s obsession with all things “diva” (see: VH1 Divas Live, particularly the editions that aired in ‘98, ‘99 and ‘00). Not “gay” at all. Unless, of course, you were just a smalltown boy who already spoke the tacit language of gay written all over A Diva’s Christmas Carol.
As Ebony Scrooge, Williams seems to embody a Whitney Houston-like pop star, complete with an opening of her singing something patently inspired by that “I believe the children are our future” mumbo jumbo as part of a music video shoot in promotion of the holiday single for her Christmas album. That is, before she breaks the illusion of being angelic and caring when the fake snow cascading down upon her makes her keep coughing until she finally chews out the French crew member (they’re in Paris, after all) hovering above her and goes on a tirade that says how she really feels about children. Like Whitney, Ebony is also from New Jersey (but Paterson instead of Whitney’s Newark/East Orange). Unlike Whitney, Ebony is openly contemptuous of just about everyone and everything, especially Christmas. Much the same as Hannah Contour, who sees no reason why Olivia should think twice about working through Christmas to finagle a titillating exposé about the Christmas-obsessed town of Tuckahoe (yes, Tuckahoe is an evocatively named, real-life place in New York State that the Drag Race universe never tires of reminding the masses about). That is, if she wants the much-dangled promotion Hannah keeps promising–the one featuring “girl boss” in the title to parody how in every Hallmark or rom-com movie about a woman “learning to love,” she’s always too career-obsessed and can’t see what’s really important.
Opening with a dig at how gay men in these types of movies are designed for nothing more than uttering cute catchphrases, the satirical tone of The Bitch Who Stole Christmas wastes no time in establishing itself. And even A Diva’s Christmas Carol doesn’t take long to poke fun at the very incongruousness of how divas genuinely believe they’re “allowed” to act. Even the ones who don’t have an iconic set of pipes to back it up (no sexual innuendo intended here).
Yet where The Bitch Who Stole Christmas keeps every scene at a breakneck pace of comic delivery (complete with the local prostitute, played by Brooke Lynn Hytes, saying such gross-out lines as, “Let her whip up a bowl of clit chili in peace”)–right down to its sponsor being Oscar Meyer–A Diva’s Christmas Carol is not afraid of going to very dark places. Particularly when the Ghost of Christmas Past (played by Kathy Griffin) comes to visit and show her some bleak shit from her childhood, including the Christmas her father physically and verbally abused her and her brother so severely that it prompted their grandmother to call Child Protective Services. Which was kind of a cold move as it ended up separating Ebony from her brother, who died young of an aneurysm (damn, tragedian flair much?). But not before leaving behind Ebony’s now only living relative, her niece Olivia (Amanda Brugel)…yes both movies have an Olivia. As the only one who bothers to invite her over for Christmas Eve dinner every year, Ebony balks at the invitation, preferring to take some sleeping pills and get some rest for an early morning talk show she has scheduled for Christmas Day. Of course, there is no rest for those haunted by their evil behavior. And after Kathy Griffin comes along, then arrives the Ghost of Christmas Present (John Taylor), less “sweet” and more “rock n’ roll.”
By the time the “Ghost of Christmas Future” makes its entrance, all we’re given is a “potential future” preview of Ebony’s life via a VH1 Behind the Music special with Nile Rodgers and Brian McKnight as interviewees openly talking shit about her. Because apparently Kathy Griffin’s salary request must have been too high to get another actor to play the part of Christmas Future more tangibly.
Watching the horrors of how she is viewed unfold, Ebony’s revelation about herself is not unlike that of Hannah Contour’s by the end of The Bitch Who Stole Christmas, itself borrowing from the A Christmas Carol trope of revisiting one’s past to see the moment that made them into the cold, unfeeling being they are today. In fact, Olivia is ferried to the past by none other than Latrice Royale herself. Who then, of course, charges for the trip to the past, as well as the privilege of Olivia getting to have an interaction with her younger self. Still, it’s worth every penny for Olivia to realize that she was conditioned by Hannah (who claims to have mysteriously “found her” on a stoop and then taken her in) to only see value in herself through work. Which is why she’s initially frigid to the humanity shown to her by her newfound friends and acquaintances, played by queens that include, among others, Peppermint, Ginger Minj and Brooke Lynn Hytes. Cameos from Charo and Carson Kressley add to the camp factor, along with “Maggie’s” straight love interest constantly finding any reason to take his shirt off and showcase those abs. Oh, and Michelle Visage narrating the entire tale like it’s “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.”
Co-writers Connor Wright and Christina Friel are also a major part of who to thank in helping to showcase each queen’s larger-than-life personality, with Wright noting, “Christmas already is kind of gay. It already feels like drag.” Jaymes Mansfield as Delia Von Whitewoman, the requisite shrew trying to ruin it for any “non-pristine” ilk trying to stand between her and the literal crown during the competition is also a great way to highlight a “Karen in drag” sort of figure. But the thing that makes The Bitch Who Stole Christmas even campier is the fact that there is no acknowledgement that these women are drag queens. We’re simply to take them at face value as women, particularly the catty housewives led by Von Whitewoman.
One thing that it actually might not have as much of as A Diva’s Christmas Carol is shade. With Celine Dion being shaded when she’s called out by Ebony as the corpse in her bed, Mariah shaded for usually wearing next to nothing anyway (this being noted after viewers are reminded that Ebony stole her dress at an awards show) and Bette Midler shaded for somehow being the one to provide the words on Ebony’s epitaph (“She was the wind beneath our wings”) in the VH1 Behind the Music special.
Both films have little regard for “believability”–though A Diva’s Christmas Carol tries its best to whenever possible… even if it seems unlikely that Terry (Stephanie Biddle) would be so quick to forgive Ebony at the Christmas concert after she callously went solo in the wake of Marli’s death. Then again, when one is in desperate need of a check, “forgiveness” comes much quicker than anticipated.
As for Chilli playing her part in it as the dead member of the trio called Desire (before there was actually a group called Desire on the Italians Do It Better label), it now has retrospective meta connotations considering Left Eye’s death in 2002. To heighten an unwitting meta-ness on a different front that connects these two films, Vanessa Williams is now a judge on Queen of the Universe, which means the universes of gay Christmas movies really have collided.
While A Diva’s Christmas Carol is yet another Christmas film that uses New York City as its backdrop, it was actually shot in Montreal (tax breaks, you know). The Bitch Who Stole Christmas, however, managed to out-diva the Vanessa Williams project a bit more in terms of budget (though they don’t have the special effects game that A Diva’s Christmas Carol does) as the drag stars were allowed to shoot right in Hollywood on a soundstage. After all, a drag star needs her L.A. accommodations.
As “the draggiest [just another word for “gayest”] holiday movie ever created,” before this movie’s arrival, all we had to capture that sense was A Diva’s Christmas Carol. Now, we have both. It’s truly a Christmas miracle…brought to you, in both instances, by VH1.
