Instantly establishing the thematic precedent for a record that has stemmed from the highly unique scenario of being quarantined (sometimes politely phrased as a “stay-at-home order” when it’s not being called what it actually is: lockdown), How I’m Feeling Now commences with the “antagonistic” “Pink Diamond.” With the title inspired by a video chat with Jennifer Lopez for an “At Home With” series with Zane Lowe and Dua Lipa, XCX opted for “Pink Diamond” as track one because “I’m into the idea that some people will love it and some people will hate it. I think it’s nice to be antagonistic on track one of an album and really frustrate certain people, but make others really obsessive about what might come next.”
Indeed, the visceral, unapologetically moody rhythm of the Dijon-produced track could easily divide those listeners with taste and those without. For the former, the song is a welcome “at home” club anthem as XCX muses, “Every single night kinda feels the same/I’m a pink diamond, I need space/I’m online and I’m feeling so glamorous/Watch me shine for the boys and the cameras/In real life, could the club even handle us?” It is this latter query that serves as the crux of the entire record, which, in its own distinct way, has proven that “IRL” has, all this time, been nothing more than an artistic inhibitor. Considering that How I’m Feeling Now is among the best work XCX has put out in years–and all using only the limited tools available to her–it makes one wonder if humans are not only a virus, but also a condom to creativity. XCX’s unbridled candor on the record seems to indicate yes.
“Forever,” the first single that was released, is just such an example. As one of many gushing love songs for her boyfriend, Huck Kwong, Charli shows yet another benefit of quarantine in that the world being forced to stop made many couples “take stock” (to use that annoying cliche), deciding whether or not their relationship was worth fighting for, or, instead, like Mary-Kate, better suited to an “emergency” divorce. Charli and Huck, for the time being, have seemed to decide the fight is more than worth fighting, their love so strong that Charli insists in the song she wants to be in his life forever, even if they’re not together (not all exes can be so “evolved,” though it seems Bruce and Demi can). To that end, “Claws” is an extension of the effusive motif of ever-blossoming quarantine l’amour as she chants, “I like everything about you” without reservation. The accompanying video is yet another example of XCX showing the seismic shift in pop culture toward the unashamed DIY aesthetic of “homemade” productions.
Fittingly tying into the “Seven Year Itch” phenomenon of growing hopelessly bored with one’s significant other, “7 Years” instead explores how Charli and Huck’s love has only developed a fortress-like strength over the near decade they’ve been together. And that, while time has passed, instead of ennui setting in, it is a sentiment of “growing together” that has prevailed in lieu. Thus, Charli sings, “Without the holy matrimony, I’m wife/We went from distant to inseparable types,” referring to her former nonstop touring ways and never standing still long enough to really be with him. Which makes one wonder if touring again (if it ever really happens) for musical artists might turn out to be more traumatic and unsatisfying than they could possibly realize. The pouring out of sheer happiness over being “stuck with” Kwong (as Ariana Grande and Justin Bieber would phrase it) is mirrored in the A.G. Cook/BJ Burton-produced beats that segue into “Detonate.”
In contrast to most of the other tracks, the sped up yet somehow dreamily slow song explores Charli’s continued fear (though more dormant than it once was) that she might cock everything up–somehow “infect” the perfectness of the present state of her relationship. So it is that she warns, “I can make you feel so sick/Switch your faith and leave you so low/Hurt me, know you’ll never hurt me/I’m about to detonate/Pull you close, and then, I’ll be gone.” Her phobia of reverting to the old behavior that came so naturally to her in the follies of youth also manifests in the questions, “I don’t trust myself at all/Why should you trust me?/I don’t trust myself alone/Why should you love me?”
These lingering doubts persist in the 80s-tinctured “Enemy,” as XCX continues to acknowledge her nervousness and insecurity. As she explained the background for the premise, “[It’s] based around the phrase ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’ I kept thinking about how if you can have someone so close to you, does that mean that one day they could become your biggest enemy? They’d have the most ammunition. I don’t actually think my boyfriend is someone who would turn on me if anything went wrong, but I was playing off that idea a little bit.” The fantasy flair of the music lends this notion an even more surreal quality, picturing one’s bedfellow suddenly mutating into an unstoppable villain, using all of your deepest, darkest secrets and weaknesses against you (conjured in the lyrics, “Suddenly, you’re in my bedroom under my sheets every night/Suddenly, I lose my fear, it feels good, yeah”).
Her relationship phobias allayed once again on “I Finally Understand,” Charli decides to embrace that this feeling “might kill” her, but it’s better than feeling nothing at all. Apart from her boyfriend, Charli’s therapist also gets a nod in this (as they did roundaboutly in “Enemy,” during which Charli wields a voice memo taken from how she was feeling after a particular session) as she unveils the epiphany, “I hate myself really bad,” ergo a belief that she’s not worthy of her boyfriend’s love. Not one to merely revisit old insecurities, XCX also revisits old beats (specifically from Charli’s “Click”) on “c2.0.” While the first version of the song is a celebratory, braggadocious anthem about a community of artists and friends collaborating and strutting together in haughty harmony, “c2.0” is a humbled lament on missing the way the world used to be, when one could simply hang out with friends near and far if they wanted to. So it is that Charli croons, “I miss them every night/I miss them by my side/Catch my tears when I cry/My clique on me for life…/My clique runnin’ through my mind like a rainbow.” This, however, does not mean that the real world could handle said clique’s newly hyper-hype vibe again in the real world (as broached on “Pink Diamond”).
The slowed down aura of “Party 4 U” is complemented by XCX’s higher than usual pitch, sounding, at times, almost like an Uffie offering. Although the song has been floating around for the past three years, the content seemed best suited to the present moment, for, as Charli pointed out, “Lyrically, it also makes some sense now as it’s about throwing a party for someone who doesn’t come—the yearning to see someone but they’re not there. The song has literally grown—we recorded the first part in maybe 2017…” Guess it took 2020 for fans to get this mythic piece from Charli’s oeuvre to be completed and released, and, yes, one definitely envisions it as the perfect party song for a quarantine birthday.
The vibe of “Party 4 U” is cut open mercilessly by “Anthems,” which, if it sounds like the remix of Kid Cudi from Project X, you wouldn’t be entirely wrong–for that’s the movie that inspired the song. That, and Charli’s extreme yearning for a night of debauchery out. Figuring a house party in the spirit of Project X would be the closest she could get to that in the Year of Quarantine, Charli runs with the tone and completely nails it. Capturing the spirit of frustration by those frivolous lot who know they’re frivolous (“Kim, people are dying”) but can’t help it, she sings, “I just wanna go to parties/Up high, wanna feel the heat from all the bodies/I want anthems/Late nights, my friends.” In the present climate, such desires and practices couldn’t be more scandalous.
With the coda of “Visions,” it feels only right that this is the track with the most futuristic sound to it. The future, for most, still seems so unknown at this moment, though, those of us being honest without ourselves know that whatever it entails, it will not and cannot be a tactile one. While it’s a pretty thought to believe that the pandemic might bring humanity closer “when it’s over,” the truth is, the new normal can only be one characterized by as much distance as possible. Expanding into an all out rave-centric rhythm toward the middle, Charli still assures herself (and her listeners), “I got pictures in my mind”–ones that are likely not grounded in realism. Because while many are still staying as quarantined as possible, it’s easier to imagine that the world can be “restored” to its old, touch-touting ways. While that’s not very probable, How I’m Feeling Now has proven that art–particularly music–in quarantine is better–a.k.a. freer from the pressures of others’ opinions–than it has been in some time.
