The Varying Breeds of Celebrity Spawn

Based on a recent purported feud between Madonna’s daughter, Lourdes Leon, and Kardashian product Kylie Jenner, in which Lourdes felt too superior to accept an invite to Kylie’s party, it begs the question: what are the varying degrees of difference between celebrity spawn? Why are some so incompatible with one another? Below is the breakdown by type.

The feud is on
The feud is on
The “I’m Going to Make It On My Own”: Some celebrities are of the noble breed, and therefore find it necessary to make it of their own merit. Nicolas Cage, who changed his last name from Coppola, is just such an example.
When Cage was just starting out, he nixed the Coppola name
When Cage was just starting out, he nixed the Coppola name
The “I’m Going to Ride This Trust Fund Till It’s Drained”: The most overt prototype for this sort of socialite fame is Paris Hilton.
Money power glory
Money power glory
The “I Do Everything With My Mom”: Up until Joan Rivers died, this is what Melissa Rivers was all about. That’s how she got E! to acknowledge her–though E! acknowledges pretty much everyone.
Very best friends
Very best friends
The “I’m On A Reality Show Because My Parents Are Famous”: The genesis of this began with The Osbournes, which was actually worth watching, and has now resulted in mind-numbing fare like Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
The Osbourne siblings in a post early 00s world
The Osbourne siblings in a post early 00s world
The “I’m Just Going To Keep A Low Profile”: This is a category that someone like Lourdes Leon falls into. They’re the sort to enjoy the benefits and privileges of a celebrity parent’s pedigree, but will go out of their way to do normal things like go to college.
Lourdes' brother, Rocco, may follow the normal college route too
Lourdes’ brother, Rocco, may follow the normal college route too
The “I’m Bat Shit Crazy As A Result of Being a Celebrity Spawn”: This is where celebrity children like Chastity Bono or Christina Crawford come into play. Because being a celebrity spawn is liable to drive anyone a little pazzo–particularly if they’re trying to compete with the legend of their parent.
"No wire hangers!"
“No wire hangers!”
The “I’m Just as Famous If Not More Famous Than My Parent”: Stella McCartney, Freddie Prinze Jr., Kate Hudson, Sofia Coppola and Martin Amis all embody this rare feat.
As famous as Goldie
As famous as Goldie
So, as you can see, being a celebrity spawn tends to come at a psychological price, even if you do get to avoid the conventional woes of the working man. And it also means making enemies much more easily–but who needs friends when you’ve got money to keep you warm in your Rick Owens bed linens at night?