The Real Daria Would Abhor A Projection of Her Future

There should be no shock anymore when it comes to what the world will allow to be rebooted–even entities that have no room for story or character growth of any kind. And yet, still, some of us are naive, hopeful and trusting enough to believe that certain franchises (yes, I deem Daria a franchise) are capable of remaining untouchable. And maybe Daria co-creator Susie Lewis and character designer Karen Disher had nothing but the best of intentions with their recent spread in Entertainment Weekly detailing a speculative “where are they now?” segment featuring some extremely aged looking staples of the show. But at least it’s not an actual reboot–just yet.

Easing us into the upset with Daria’s parents, Jake and Helen Morgendorffer, we’re informed that the duo travels often in that non-glamorous way that entails a lot of cruises in between going to their weekly Lawndale dance class. Gone are the days of workaholic Helen, clearly.

Most depressing–yet fitting of all–is the fate of Brittany and Kevin. The former is a local weather girl who can’t let go of the cheerleading ghost by acting as part-time coach for the team at Lawndale. Kevin, predictably, has a gut and doesn’t do much of anything except watch their five children (the adage about stupid people breeding is true) run around.

Quinn, Daria’s opposite-minded sister, also has a litter of children–three boys named Timmy, Tommy and Teddy; you know, as karma for how she treated Jamie, Joey and Jeffy in high school. She, too, lives in Lawndale and continues her endless pursuit of vanity with a YouTube channel and hair extension obsession.

Daria’s once forever love, Trent, managed to make it out of Lawndale in spite of a low drive to do so, finding himself in Queens with a slightly rebranded band called Mystikal Explosion. Sounds a little bit dirty. Jane lives close-ish by–though a world a way–in, somehow, SoHo. Lewis and Disher were kind enough to make it so that Jane hasn’t given up on her dream of being an artist still occasionally selling work and presumably affording rent as a result of her archaeologist husband who’s never home.

Jane, however, seems to be the only Daria character with a non-depressing present. Though Daria still has her best friend to confide in when she’s not holed up in her apartment in Hell’s Kitchen, she is also purported to be the only female writer on a late-night talk show. This is a far cry from her original desire to pursue the avenue of novelist, her zeal for literature driving and inspiring her talent. The Daria that we came to know during her high school years would indubitably balk at her future–or, then again, completely expect the depth of its lackluster nature. Having a cat named Godzilla only proves to be the cherry on top of the sadness. But at least she can take comfort in having been a touchstone for other misanthropic goddesses that needed her while the show was originally on the air.