On Orlando Bloom’s Penis

Possibly more than Kim Kardashian’s backside on Paper Magazine, Orlando Bloom’s free-swaying, unmasked penis has broken the internet. The most shocking elements about this, however, isn’t that he had no shame in baring his rather unattractive wang, but that men are rarely known for being so unselfconscious about the display of their frame–and also he’s an Englishman, they’re supposed to be conditioned to be far more proper than that.

Who knows whether it was the ambient Italian setting and the associated liberality of the culture when it comes to nudity, or the simple fact that Bloom is slightly homo and happy to be dating a modern gay icon that made him go “wild”? Whatever the case, Bloom gave no fucks about his incongruous appearance next to Katy Perry. At 39 years old, the Pirates of the Caribbean actor (there will, unfortunately, be another installment coming out in 2017) was prancing around with the levity of a bloke fifteen years younger while paddling, swimming and otherwise showcasing himself to those nearby.

While anyone with decent taste in the aesthetics of a penis will admit to disappointment at the sight of this mushroom-shaped petiteness, Bloom’s confidence in his unhidden body image is a sign of progress for the matriarchy at large–indicating a level of male self-assurance never before known in the modern era (unless you count Viggo Mortensen’s recent full frontal in Captain Fantastic). Another sign of hope for the gradual chipping away at the patriarchy is, of course, Bloom carting Perry around on a surfboard like some sort of cabana boy.

A shift toward body positiveness in male genitalia is, of course, not without its unfairness when taking into account the fact that women without large breasts and a gaunt figure (an anatomically impossible combination) still have to feel shame about going nude in a public venue. But, on the plus side, Bloom is lending silver linings to men’s physique self-assurance via his dark pubic hair and that shiitake extending out of it.