My Pussy Doesn’t Taste Like Pepsi Cola: How Celebrities Have Cultivated A New Breed of Things to Covet

It used to be that thinness was about the only thing a girl needed to covet in terms of how female celebrities looked. Gone are those simple days of self-imposed bulimia and/or anorexia. Now, we have to worry about matters such as our pussies smelling like an impossible to obtain fragrance.

Kim K's coveted vampire facial
Kim K’s coveted vampire facial

Oh, and let’s not forget the importance of having a weekly vampire facial to keep ourselves looking extra fresh. The myriad luxury services now required to mimic a celebrity’s life and aesthetic has transformed the already fragile female psyche into an even more delicate one. Moreover, the encouragement to engage in bizarre (and, at times, inane) practices–e.g. Shailene Woodley eating clay or Lady Gaga taping her eyes for a pretend facelift–is bound to be psychologically damaging.

Lady G uses facial tape for an insta eye lift
Lady G uses facial tape for an insta eye lift

The endless quest to achieve being “the fairest one of all” is best left to Maleficent. Even those who are famous, like Lana Del Rey with her allegedly non-malodorous pussy, have their fair share of issues to contend with when it comes to being perfect–because there’s no such thing. And, as Cady Heron once said, “I used to think there was just fat and skinny. But apparently there’s lots of things that can be wrong with your body.” So why not just embrace them rather than trying to change them through means that are going to cause more harm in the long run? Simply recite to yourself, “My pussy does not taste like Pepsi Cola. And it never will.”