How Things Really Would Have Gone Down in My Best Friend’s Wedding IRL

If the plot of My Best Friend’s Wedding had occurred in real life, Cameron Diaz would’ve clocked the bitch out. In case you haven’t seen it, the bitch in question is Julia Roberts in the role of Julianne “Jules” Porter. As the best friend of Kimmy Wallace’s (Diaz) fiancé, Michael O’Neal (Dermot Mulroney), Jules holds that annoying place in his heart that poses a threat to all women who play the part of romantic interest. As was concretely and incontrovertibly established by When Harry Met Sally in 1989, men and women cannot (successfully) be friends. While it’s nice (read: naive) to think that things have somehow changed in the twenty-first century, they simply haven’t.

"Friends"
“Friends”
Case in point is the fact that Kimmy tries to see Jules and Michael’s friendship with rose-colored glasses, until she is foolishly duped by Jules into trusting her, after which Jules promptly takes advantage of her kindness by leading her into a false sense of security about their friendship. Using her friendship with Kimmy to her advantage by making Michael believe that they’re, like, besties, he starts to see Jules with reinvigorated eyes, a.k.a. he starts to think maybe Kimmy is all froth and no substance, and that he should go with tried and true Jules.
Jules causes deliberate tension in Michael and Kimmy's realtionship with her mere presence, not to mention her diabolical plan to drive a wedge between them
Jules causes deliberate tension in Michael and Kimmy’s realtionship with her mere presence, not to mention her diabolical plan to drive a wedge between them
When Kimmy discovers Jules’ cruel intentions, the standoff they have is, at best, lackluster and, at worst, a bad opening to soft core lesbian porn. All Kimmy does is insult Jules’ hair in a public bathroom and then listen to her explain herself and promise to make things right. But you best believe if this was real life and Kimmy had any sort of spine, she would have punched Jules in the face. Physical violence may not technically be the answer, but it tends to be when the person you’re in love with is being taken away from you by “the best girl friend.”
As one of Kimmy's bridesmaids, Jules is the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing
As one of Kimmy’s bridesmaids, Jules is the ultimate wolf in sheep’s clothing
Yes, we’re all sure Jules was a lovely person whose actions were motivated by her lovelorn clouded judgment, but as “the best girl friend” in the scenario, she only serves to further prove that male and female friendships between two alleged heterosexuals are impossible. Someone always ends up wanting more. Usually the woman (granted, the male in the situation will generally want to have sex with said friend at some point early on in the rapport). And the only reason Michael didn’t choose Jules over Kimmy is because she lacked the blonde effervescence to give her that final edge. Otherwise, Jules would not have been left alone at the reception to dance the night away with a gay man.

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