If you’ve ever seen The Breakfast Club, you know that John Bender (played with loving attention to detail by Judd Nelson) hates just about everyone–no matter what social group they ascribe to. And his contempt for those vapid, popular “richies” in the 80s would only be magnified in the twenty-first century, except this time his ire would be directed more toward people using applications John would perceive as making them “techies.”
On Facebook: Bender would undoubtedly deem it, “Demented and sad, but social.”
On Twitter: If Claire was using it, he would most likely tell her to go and “cry to her daddy” on it.
On Pinterest: Again, Claire would be the most likely person in his detention circle to be using this. To which he would balk regarding her pinned photo of a wedding dress by commenting, “Is it gonna be a ‘white wedding’?”
On Candy Crush: If Claire tried to get him to use it by insisting that he just didn’t know the rules of the game that well, he would snap, “I don’t know any leopards either, but I’m not gonna go out and play one of their fuckin’ phone games.”
On Nook Book/E-Readers: He would probably smash the screen and reiterate, “You’re right. It’s wrong to destroy literature. Such fun to read.”
On Legalized Weed: John might faintly express delight at this by noting, “You load up, you party.”
On Reality TV: John would occasionally give in to watching it by justifying, “There’s nothing to do when you’re locked in a vacancy.”
On The Food Network: If he and Claire were watching it together, he would most likely still ask, “You wanna see a picture of a guy with elephantitis of the nuts? It’s pretty tasty.”
On YouTube: He might casually mention the video of his dad putting a cigarette out on his arm that had gone viral.
On Tinder: Claire would probably ask why he never swiped his screen in the direction of a no, to which John might respond, “How come you got so much shit in your purse?” Claire would defend, “I guess I never throw anything away.” Without missing a beat, John would quip about his Tinder yeses, “Neither do I.”
On Current Cigarette Prices: Irritated by the cost, John might actually be grateful for the carton of cigarettes his dad gets him for Christmas.
On Tumblr: Before John could say anything negative about Tumblr, Brian would have already made a .gif of him falling through the library ceiling to make up for any ill will John could possibly have toward it.
Although it’s difficult to know for sure what Bender would think of the twenty-first century, you can bet he would continue to be the kid who was always getting detention.