Barbie, Bitch.

In 1959, a plastic (in all senses of the word) lady was created who would change both the male and female perception of what it is to be a woman for life. Her name, of course, is Barbie. And she’s as big of a bitch today, on her fifty-fifth birthday, as she was then. Sure, she has become more ethnic at times, and even slightly plumper, but she’s still got the attitude of a lazy, disaffected Beverly Hills housewife.

Homogeneity perfected.
Homogeneity perfected.

While Barbie is not the only one of her kind in the Mattel army (there’s also the likes of Skipper and Midge), she is the Queen of Vacuousness. No one knows inanity and impossible body proportions like Barbie, and no one is more unashamed and unapologetic about championing the art of being vain. Surprisingly, Barbie was not the creation of a man, but sprung from the mind of Ruth Handler, the former president of Mattel. Inspired by a creepier German doll known as Bild Lilli, Handler was compelled to create a sluttier, skinnier version after watching her own daughter, Barbara (after whom Barbie is named), play with paper dolls that she liked to dress up.

The Bild Lilli doll.
The Bild Lilli doll.

In spite of her old age, Barbie has had massive amounts of plastic surgery to keep her looking fresh. She is the closest you can get to being a vampire without actually being one. She’s also the closest you can get to being in a modern-day version of a monogamous relationship based on her fickle attitude towards Ken (though, how can you blame her when his penis is just a weird bump without balls?).

The perfect couple--with nothing more than one word (cocaine) to say between them.
The perfect couple–with nothing more than one word (cocaine) to say between them.

And so, here’s to you Barbie. A low-cal coconut vodka cocktail is being tipped in your direction today. We don’t really have to acknowledge that you’re getting a year older and a day less wise, but surely we can celebrate the anniversary of one of America’s more memorable lobotomies.