Are You A Writer? [Insert Gag Noise Here]

For most “writers,” being asked the question, “Are you a writer?” is not an emotional experience that results in a five second existential crisis. Most people are completely comfortable with proclaiming that, in spite of never having been published and being a relative (or, rather, total) unknown, that, yes, they are a writer. This is both a testament to the increased ego propagated by too much internet convenience and the diminished quality of prose itself.

Writers deserve the arthritic, fucked up hands that come with excessive use of a quill pen.
Writers deserve the arthritic, fucked up hands that come with excessive use of a quill pen.

Saying “I’m a writer” is a quick way to excuse unemployment, social awkwardness and general grossness on manifold levels. Considering that writing is the lowest paying, least valued occupation outside of advertising or being a famous screenwriter and/or franchised book series author, it seems rather clear what everyone thinks of the so-called “art.”

Writers used to dress themselves, for fuck's sake.
Writers used to dress themselves, for fuck’s sake.

The utter pride with which fat, subsidized writers announce their “profession” is absolutely disgusting. Sitting in front of your Mac (just as I’m doing now) while you perform a number of other “tasks” (just as I’m doing now) that distract you from your sacred writing is just one of the reasons you’re not a writer (or, at best, just another shitty one clogging the career pool).

Take the man's advice and shut the fuck up
Take the man’s advice and shut the fuck up

And then there is the most irksome of all qualities about writers: They must constantly discuss their “projects.” As though anyone gave a shit. They don’t. So the next time someone asks you what you do, please don’t shout from the mountaintop, “I am a writer” (this goes double for Lena Dunham). After all, writing should be a silent, semi-noble endeavor.

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  1. Pingback: The End of the Tour Is Just the Start of Analyzing David Foster Wallace | Culled Culture

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